To the girl that I once loved with all my heart.
Hey Beth,
It's been a year since our last conversation and I did notice that with every text we sent back and forth, the euphoria slowly ebbed away like a tide when it breaks free from the moon's gravitational influence. I wonder how have you been lately? Yesterday I saw your Facebook update. You have gotten skinnier and your cheeks sunk a little bit.
I wasn't sure how I am feeling about you. On one hand, I no longer cried about you. I no longer feel the aching pain of heartbreak when I see how happy you are in a life without me. I get it. I was a terrible friend. I ruined our 4 years friendship because of how selfish I was. If you happened to read this, I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I have grown quite a lot from that so I don't really do that anymore. I'm saying that because I genuinely believed that I was a piece of shit.
Recently, I saw your account disappeared on Snapchat. I have no idea if it's because you deleted your account or if you blocked me. If it was the later, I wonder what was the last straw? I didn't post anything particularly inflammatory. Just pictures of my friends and I, hanging out, eating food, and pictures of my cats. I wonder what was the straw that broke the camel's back for you? If it has anything to do with me at all?
Anyway, I haven't been contacting you. First I was busy with exams and deadlines that I barely even do anything on social media nowadays. Now, I just chat with my friend on Messenger. I haven't even gone on Facebook for 2 months now and it feels strangely liberating. I guess I didn't have to see you living your life without me. I wasn't a part of your life anymore and I wonder if it feels like a blessing to you? At first I was devastated at the thought, but overtime I kind of just accept it and with a lot of counselling and therapy later, I have moved on. I don't think about you anymore. I haven't loved anyone since, but I certainly have stopped being crazy about you. I have neutral emotions when I think about you. I used to love you a lot and I also used to hate you a lot, but now I don't feel those intense emotions anymore. Now, I think of you like how I think about everyone else at that school: People who were in my life for a season and when that season is over, so are they. I have hoped that we would be lifelong friends, but hopes like that are luxurious. It sucks to know that we are only a season in each other's life. But hey, shit happens.
I wonder if you think about me too. Maybe I have disappeared from your life completely. Well, you see, we have different life and hang out with different people. We have nothing in common anymore so even if we reconnect, there is nothing to talk about.
I miss you a lot, but I think that us not talking anymore is a blessing. I think I will start blocking you on Facebook soon though. You and everyone else. I made great friends here. Friends who support me emotionally and mentally. You have made great friends too. Friends who will support you emotionally and mentally. We're just not meant to be. And seeing each other but not talking will just hurt.
I love you, but I'm not crazy about you anymore. You are still the first person that I love deeply, but whatever I felt for you before, I sacrificed it to make room for other people. I'm sure you do too.
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